GREG GUTFELD: Focus on small talk, not woke talk

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Happy Wednesday, everybody! How you doing? All right, all right, all right. Oh, you guys are great. So Democrats are freaking out that they peaked too early with just weeks to go before the midterms. Their celebrations were so premature, it reminds me of prom night. I know.

I wish the election was in August,’ said one Democrat, as they watched their momentum fade like an electric car trying to get up a hill. And the polls have Republicans pulling away like glitter. DiCaprio from a woman who just turned 26. Because he likes him young. That’s the joke, in case you missed it.

All right. Even The New York Times sees a swing in independent women, which reminds me a that trapeze above Larry Kudlow’s hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. Huh? Is that creeping you out? All right. Of course, this pains ‘The View’, who expected something so different. It’s like they were given a generic adult diaper instead of their favorite brand. Here’s Joy sounding more miserable than usual that voters are more focused on inflation and crime and not her usual obsessions like January 6 and fright wigs.


JOY BEHAR: What’s depressing is that The New York Times released a poll today that says that 71% of voters agree that democracy is under threat. But only 7% of voters rank a threat to democracy as a major issue this election cycle. I find that so depressing. I can’t begin to tell you.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: It’s why I don’t like polls.

Hmm. Talk about racist. No pierogies for you, Whoopi. No surprise, though. Rather than focusing on the **** that people care about, they went all in on Jan. 6, failing to realize that a slick PowerPoint presentation on Trump Hitler does nothing to lower prices, cut crime or seal the border. The only people who actually watched were the CNN producers currently in jail. All it did is provide masturbation fodder for anchors at MSNBC and God knows they need it.


But they’re missing the bigger trend. The wokesters are now realizing their BS no longer flies. Wokeism has fizzled out like a three-week old bottle of ginger ale. And how do I know? Well, when the woke become the fodder on ‘Dr. Phil’, who is my second favorite doctor after Dr. Jill. I like her because she dresses like my aunt’s sofas. So here’s a sad group suggesting punishment for comedians.


DR. PHIL: Why are comedians not even willing to come on college campuses anymore? Because they’re scared to death they’re going to say something that offends.

STUDENT 1: The stereotypes used in comedic standup is just simply not okay anymore. So you can say whatever you want, but you need to also be ready for the repercussions of what you say.

STUDENT 2: I think that while social repercussions are nothing new, what we penalize people for saying is changing. And I think that that’s a positive thing.

It is a positive thing, but for a different reason, you dope. You know, wokeism has hit the wall when its proponents are treated like sideshow freaks on an afternoon talk show. In case you forgot, afternoons in the ’80s and ’90s, they were made for this.


MAURY: In the case of four-month old Mariah, Rafael, you are not.

Those were the days. Sadly, those people could be running on a Democrat ticket and would do well today. Back then, bearded ladies were carnival acts. Now they’re on school boards. But once you enter that phase and end up on an afternoon talk show, you’re no longer something serious. You’re the funniest thing on Earth. And these people are truly unintentionally hilarious. Their demands, combined with zero life skills, turn them into baby Jerry Falwells.

Funny it used to be the old folks who railed against culture. But that’s flipped. Now it’s the young. Instead of don’t trust anyone over 30, now you can’t trust anyone under 30 – at least to take a joke or pay their bills or listen to another point of view. Wokesters think everything that came before them was bigoted. But I can tell you right now, that’s garbage. Now, here’s a brief sample of some of the shows that I watched as a kid.


WIFE: What’s making headlines today, dear?

HUSBAND: Oh, honey, you stupid bitch. Don’t you know news is a man’s concern? Now, why don’t you get back to the kitchen where you belong?

EMPLOYEE: Okay, everybody. So very exciting day. We get to meet our new boss, James Washington.

TYRUS: What’s up? How do you do? What it is?

SON: Mom, Dad. I’m gay.

MOM: No.

Yeah, that’s how it used to be. If you believe the woke. But the tide is turning. You got Barack Obama urging Democrats to stop murdering joy.


BARACK OBAMA: My family, my kids, you know, work that gives me satisfaction, you know, having fun, you know? You know, not being a buzzkill. And sometimes Democrats are, right? It’s like, you know, sometimes, people just want to not feel as if they are walking on eggshells.

Took him a while to get there, but I miss that. Huh? Yeah. You have states and companies denouncing ESG as shareholders discover woke investing is as smart as funding Alec Baldwin’s next movie. Oh. What’s with this audience? What do you – jeez louise. I’m trying to do something about wokeism and you guys are thinking everything is in bad taste.


You have woke products failing from comic books bent on identity politics to movies lecturing us on social issues that came and went like Billy Eichner’s flick ‘Bros’, which is coming to a dumpster near you or on. What? What do you mean? Now, you laugh at that. It makes no sense.

And have you seen a woke comedian lately? I haven’t. The late night shows, always so careful to toe the PC line are dropping like Biden’s dentures in a trick-or-treater’s bag. So I’m optimistic when a political movement is now a freakish curiosity. That’s a good thing. And when Obama is sick of cancel culture, that’s even better. 

My suggestion to the woke: it’s time to turn over a new leaf. Smile, take a shower, work out, try to get laid. These are all four things I accomplished at Planet Fitness yesterday. And talk to people not about politics. Hell, try the weather. Not everything has to be a class struggle. When someone says to you, ‘It’s a beautiful day.’ Don’t say, ‘Not if you’re trans.’ Try saying, ‘You’re right. It feels like fall.’

Small talk actually bonds people. Woke talk rips them apart. Maybe watch this show a few times a week and see how fun is done correctly. Because if you’re young, there’s still time for you to kick some ass in this world instead of whining like a little bitch. It’s time to start thinking of an exit strategy from cancel culture to maybe canceling cancel culture itself.

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