Negative emotions can take over how you are feeling, especially in the realm of divorce, They can lead to a complete emotional and energetic drain.
The main exception is anger, which immediately spikes your adrenalin, often leading you to react in ways you may later regret.
Negative, or “dark” emotions, are normal. It’s what you do with the consuming feeling that makes either a negative or positive difference. Most people typically react to their emotions based on their subconscious fear. When you learn to be more consciously aware, you can make a different, more positive choice.
When my child was about three years old, I vividly remember her mom out of the blue refusing to talk about the custody schedule. She then mandated in a completely controlling way that we were going to go by the divorce decree custody schedule. She wasn’t asking my opinion as the other parent. She wasn’t bringing it up for discussion. She wasn’t sharing her opinion.
She was mandating in a threatening way.
The divorce decree said that the custody schedule for our three-year-old child would be every other day. Yes, each new day she would go to the other parents’ house.
The tragic irony is that this provided zero stability, zero consistency and was horrible for a small three-year-old child.
I felt betrayed, shocked, more than frustrated. I immediately felt the anger surging to the surface. I couldn’t believe the mother of my little girl could be so completely self-serving and not realize how bad this would be for our child.
After reacting with extreme anger several times, I suddenly realized that my anger was only making the situation worse.
I finally understood that the moment I reacted with anger, I had lost control of myself, of the interaction with the ex, and that she would never do what I wanted.
I worked on figuring out what I really wanted to create for my three-year-old and realized that I wanted to create an environment of divorce where she was thriving. Then I knew that this would require me to be the most intentional, best parent I could possibly be.
And, no matter the circumstances with the ex, why would I ever want to be anything other than the best parent I could be!
This is when the dynamics between us started to change for the better.
Why and how? Because the ex was no longer receiving the reactions she had come to expect from me. I broke the vicious cycle and started remaining calm, even rational!
Over time, the ex started to shift as well. I believe the positive impact on our daughter was life-changing for her, but also for her mom and me.
The greatest lesson for me was realizing that anger, one of the most extreme “dark emotions” as I now call them, is normal, but when we allow our fear to lead us to react in extreme ways, it is rare that anything positive will result. The negative impact affects you, your kids, the ex, and even beyond.
Whenever I felt the emotional and energetic drain of worry, stress, anxiety, sadness, feeling miserable, and more, or felt the adrenaline spike from anger, I became more and more aware that I did NOT want to feel this way.
I would immediately shift to focusing on how I DID want to feel and would use Gratitude to shift into the positive feeling or state.
Gratitude and fear cannot coexist simultaneously.
I would not only focus on the positive and wonderful things in my life for which I could be grateful, but I would also shift my perspective on the challenge or difficulty with the ex and look for ways I could learn and grow.
I am always grateful for finding ways to learn and grow, because these lessons and the growth that occurs, are life-changing for me and for the people I love. The Ripple Effect can even continue outward, having a positive affect on my business and beyond!
Whether you’re going through or already divorced, negative emotions are normal. However, when they get out of control, they can become all consuming.
How we feel leads to what we say and do.
When reacting to a negative emotion we are feeling in the moment further fuels the fire to make things worse, it needs to serve as a wake up call.
How we feel is ultimately a choice. Yes, even when the ex has said or done something to purposefully hurt you.
There is a seemingly endless list of “negative emotions, especially in the realm of divorce and parenting:
• Fear, frustration, anger
• Worry, stress, anxiety
• Sadness, sorrow, remorse, guilt
• Regret and resentment
• A Sense of Loss (trust, security, stability, self-esteem, sense of family, self-confidence)
• Depression, confusion, rejection
• Disrespect, bitterness, spitefulness, disgust
• Jealousy, self-pity
• Negative anticipation and expectations
• Suffering, despair, contempt, sense of helplessness
• Grief, mourning, self-doubt, nervous, feeling desperate
• Vengeful, betrayed, miserable, overwhelmed
• Heartbroken, unhappy, unfulfilled
• Feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells
As you can see from the list above, there is a seemingly endless array of “dark emotions” that can sap all of your energy, steal your joy and happiness, take you to the depths of hell, and have a negative emotional and psychological impact on you, and worst of all on your kids.
What you say and do is always a choice. Becoming aware of your negative emotions is so important.
What you consciously choose to do with those emotions is much more important.
Several points are essential here…
- What you focus on, you create more of (ah, the Law of Attraction).
- When you have Clarity for what you want for your kids, this will do as much as anything to help guide you to maintain self-control and to determine what to say or do next to help you create more of what you want rather than what you do NOT want.
• When you realize that everything you say and do as a parent teaches and impacts your kids, you can start to hone-in on what it takes to create an environment where your children are thriving.
- Having Gratitude for the challenges you are going through (yes, in your divorce situation) will allow you to find the opportunity to learn and grow via the insights and lessons of life’s difficulties, the most impacting way to learn and grow.
Get crystal clear on what you want to create for your kids and on what you want to teach them via your example.
To help you gain Clarity, right now go through the free The EX-Factor’s Clarity Exercise.
Go to: http://www.theex-factor.com/clarityexercise
The password to access is “clarity1”
Start by asking yourself, “What do I really want to create for my children?”
From this point on, when you feel the emotional drain from a negative feeling, or the sudden spike in adrenaline when you’re about to explode with anger, ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say or do, create more of what I really want for my kids, or make the situation worse?”
Use each interaction as an opportunity to take the “dark emotions” to find the light at the end of the tunnel that will help you learn and grow, for the sake of your kids, and also for you.
After all, don’t your children deserve and need you to be the best parent you can possibly be?